So, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve been here. I had taken a hiatus that was both intentional and unintentional. An intentional move,in order to give myself some space from the pressure of always having something to say, and unintentional, due to some pretty tough physical and emotional experiences I’ve struggled through these past few months. Although I am pretty exhausted, I’ve managed to re-root myself and am committed to undertaking a ( -always in progress- ) journey towards a fuller health and personal self-growth. I haven’t been keeping track of my many moments of ‘love’ the past few months, but I have been feeling them in their fullness, and am so thankful for all of them. It’s all the moments, big & small, obvious & hidden, external & internal, that give strength. You just need to find the energy to discover them, even amongst the piles of pain, fear, and shit
This is where I’ve found love this week:
- “Gezellig” – a Dutch word describing the (quite undefinable) feeling that “everything is right in the world” – as told by a Dutch friend after a really fantastic meal and a bottle of wine
- getting a progress report at the chiropractor and seeing physical evidence that my spine/neck/nervous system has already improved leaps and bounds!
- completing the entire yoga dvd (when I can actually bring myself to do it = bliss)
- fancy food festivals involving beer and wine tasting workshops (cheap way to get drunk?)
- thrifted perfect-fitting black & white polka dotted blouse for $4 – Score! (RIP to the last remaining downtown true thrift store)
- being happy for a really lovely friend’s move to the big bad city (yet, obviously sad at the same time)
- cupcakes! ohdeargod. Chocolate lavender! Chili chocolate! Olive oil & rosemary chocolate! Definitely my style! Seriously, anyone living in Peterborough, check her out!
- sudden sunshowers
- followed by even more sudden hailstorms in the sun (laugh out loud weird weather)
- skype messages
- planning an important event
- making art without expectation
- playing with paint!
- encouraging someone else to experiment with paint
- uncovering talent
- photo walks
- when my dog walks like a Champ (no pulling, no losing her shit on other dogs, being generally awesome and charming)
- looking up post grad certificates and programs, half for fun/half serious
- sitting in Dreams of Beans cafe for four straight hours, furiously writing – finally writing again! (hoping to submit an article on creativity to an online magazine)
- having friends who are ‘living the dream’ of staying at a farm for the Spring/Summer
- Toronto’s women/trans friendly sex shop, Good for Her is holding their Feminist Porn Awards Gala this weekend!
- laying on the couch, wrapped in blankets, watching a crappy t.v. movie
- cooking soup with coconut milk
- smiles, high fives, hugs
- out of town visits and morning hikes
- looking (almost obsessively) at cute vintage-inspired dresses online for weeks – and then finally buying one
- making my own (all purpose, all natural) aromatherapy cleaner
- spooning in silence, in love
- self-exploration and working through this free book
- loving my social time/side, but embracing my introversion
- on the topic of Introvert Empowerment, wanting to read Susan Cain’s new book that she talks about here
- In keeping with the theme, I still absolutely love this video:
(by film maker Andrea Dorfman, and poet/singer/songwriter, Tanya Davis)
“But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.
You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.
But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.
Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.
It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.
Take silence and respect it.
If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.
If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.” (Tanya