sometimes I’m too lost in my own thoughts to be fully awake to it,
sometimes I’m too self-conscious to fully participate in it,
sometimes my unrealistic expectations prevent me from fully adapting to it,
sometimes I’m too deeply & desperately clutching to a sense of control to fully let myself go in the presence of it,
but it’s still there.
all those good things, those moments of connection, those experiences that make me feel a bit more alive. and i’m still trying to become more fully mindful of them.
(the greatest and most difficult step is being more gentle and compassionate with myself – i think of a tattoo that a friend of mine has that says ‘soften’ as a reminder)
“everything is already as it should be”
a few weeks have passed and my memory is poor (and my camera was dead), but here are some of them from one of those weeks:
- thoughtful reminders from a friend!
- plane rides with free wine
- traveling adventures with my partner/lover/best friend (thunder bay this time)
- the colours and textures of the clouds, the vivid colours of the sunset, the silhouettes of the mountains, the fullness of the moon, the starkness of the bare trees, the smell of the forests, the sharp chill of the air…
- coconut battered shrimp
- finnish pancakes 3 mornings in a row
- breakfast food in general
- weird business combos (i.e. breakfast food AND saunas?!)
- creepy hilarious advertisements and photo shoots
- meeting new super awesome people
- artsy apartments, stunning vibrant paintings
- setting off fireworks in school parks, feeling scared but also giddy and exhilarated, like being in high school again (without the social trauma and awkwardness)
- the “L” word marathons
- spending time with a (very much missed) lovely friend who’s been through a lot and has stayed so strong ❤
- gut wrenching laughter, again and again. and again.
- mr jack, the mustached sex toy
- drives through the northern ontario country listening to shitty, yet infectiously fun Top 40 pop songs (singing loudly and group dancing in the back of the car)
- kakabeka falls, just outside thunder bay
- listening to fascinating stories of spirits and culture
- exploring a creepy (supposedly haunted) abandoned church
- views of lake superior
- views of Sleeping Giant
- short hike at Sleeping Giant (seeing lots of deer at the side of the road, and thankfully no bears)
- choppy aggressive waves hitting the rocky shore
- spending time at an art gallery, filled with local art and inspiration
- studying dozens and dozens of tubes of different paint colours at the art shop, trying to pick my favourites
- tours of the city
- watching terrible movies while eating halloween candy
- sushi on a conveyor belt. novelty!
- people’s generosity and wonderful hospitality
- after sleeping on hostel bunk beds and blow up mattresses in friends’ apartments, spending our last night by ourselves, splurging on a cute country inn nestled in the nor’wester mountains
- eating dinner with deer grazing outside the window
- jet tubs! gas fireplaces!
- buying an Oprah magazine to read on the plane and not feeling (too) guilty about it (okay, it’s such a shameful pleasure!)
- the lurching tickle-y feeling in your gut and your crotch during heavy turbulence
- watching land get larger and sky get more clear as your descend, and that very moment the plane touches the ground.