This week is different. This week it is difficult to gather the words, to find the right words, to express them in a coherent manner. This week, it is impossible to talk about myself, my own life, my own moments of joy and awe and wonder and love. This week, I learned that a friend is gone. I learned that a friend was in pain. I’ve been kicked by grief and washed over by sadness and shock and shaky tears. I’ve been flooded by images and words and voices and memories. They always use a water metaphor to describe these things, like that it comes in waves… and I really don’t want to sound cliche, but they are right – you feel it through your entire body – choppy, bubbling, rushing, flowing, churning, crashing into heart and organs and limbs. It lurches right up unexpectedly, from stomach to throat, a sense of naseating sickness. It comes and goes, it ebbs and flows, it’s here and then it’s gone again. You’re numb and then you’re laughing at something that someone is saying and then you’re disconnected again. It’s circulating chaos through mind and body. And it’s so different for everyone of course, there is no one way to feel, there is no ‘right’ way. That’s absurd. You don’t know how you’re going to react until the moment hits. You can’t predict anything.
But people have come together, people are supportive, people are sharing in love and awful feelings and good memories. Like, his energy and laughter and sass and charm and the way he was always so open to love and generous with affection. That he was always so honest and opinionated in a I-don’t-give-a-shit kinda way that was awesome and admirable. That he was a mega-fine dancing partner and a fun, fabulous and intoxicating drinking companion. That he was a fellow women’s studies major which was rare and that we would sometimes talk about theorists and profs that we loved when we worked together. That, oh fuck….I don’t have the words anymore.
I don’t know what I believe about what happens after death, but I still hope you are at peace and know that you are oh-so-truly loved by so many of us. We feel it all in our own unique ways, we express it all in our own unique ways, but it all boils down to love and loss. loss of love. love in loss.